Comments - A Surprising View on Domestic Violence - Connections Groups2024-03-28T10:54:33Zhttps://connectionsgroups.ning.com/profiles/comment/feed?attachedTo=2831845%3ABlogPost%3A124790&xn_auth=noAbsolutely, indeed lots of gr…tag:connectionsgroups.ning.com,2012-06-11:2831845:Comment:1247992012-06-11T15:11:48.777ZShun Bowlinghttps://connectionsgroups.ning.com/profile/Shunbowling
<p>Absolutely, indeed lots of gray! Thanks for all you interest and input! It is appreciated!</p>
<p>Absolutely, indeed lots of gray! Thanks for all you interest and input! It is appreciated!</p> That I why I don't like the w…tag:connectionsgroups.ning.com,2012-06-11:2831845:Comment:1250302012-06-11T15:02:52.436ZSue Copeninghttps://connectionsgroups.ning.com/profile/SueCopening
<p>That I why I don't like the word "blame" ...it tries to shift responsibility to one side or the other where, sometimes, it is shared. As you point out... there are many "moving parts" in domestic violence situations. There are some where an abuser is completely at fault - others where both parties are contributing to the cycle and share responsibility for the dynamic. Lot's of shades of grey here. </p>
<p>That I why I don't like the word "blame" ...it tries to shift responsibility to one side or the other where, sometimes, it is shared. As you point out... there are many "moving parts" in domestic violence situations. There are some where an abuser is completely at fault - others where both parties are contributing to the cycle and share responsibility for the dynamic. Lot's of shades of grey here. </p> In that case, sadly, it seems…tag:connectionsgroups.ning.com,2012-06-11:2831845:Comment:1250292012-06-11T14:47:18.843ZShun Bowlinghttps://connectionsgroups.ning.com/profile/Shunbowling
<p>In that case, sadly, it seems as though you are right Sue. In what you have described it seems like your friend was certainly lost in the cycle of abuse, and grew to know it as her her normalcy. Sad to hear, and I am sure even sadder for you guys as her friends to observe.</p>
<p>In that case, sadly, it seems as though you are right Sue. In what you have described it seems like your friend was certainly lost in the cycle of abuse, and grew to know it as her her normalcy. Sad to hear, and I am sure even sadder for you guys as her friends to observe.</p> PS: My friend also seemed to…tag:connectionsgroups.ning.com,2012-06-11:2831845:Comment:1247982012-06-11T14:43:27.917ZSue Copeninghttps://connectionsgroups.ning.com/profile/SueCopening
<p>PS: My friend also seemed to love the "drama" created by her and her boyfriends fights in this respect... as soon as they had one of their things and he hit her... she would be on the phone to all her friends and, of course, we would immediately rush to her. More attention for her of course. I finally got tired of it and told her that until she left him, she could no longer expect me to be sympathetic. They didn't have kids, she had a good job, and could easily move out (we'd all offered…</p>
<p>PS: My friend also seemed to love the "drama" created by her and her boyfriends fights in this respect... as soon as they had one of their things and he hit her... she would be on the phone to all her friends and, of course, we would immediately rush to her. More attention for her of course. I finally got tired of it and told her that until she left him, she could no longer expect me to be sympathetic. They didn't have kids, she had a good job, and could easily move out (we'd all offered to let her move in with us). She finally did leave him for good... and that's when he finally got help, when it was too late. Sadly, she never did get help for her own issues... and married a super great guy who was kind, calm, a hard worker and loved her to death, but whom she described as "boring." They are divorced now and she is back to an endless stream of abusers and alcohol. I guess she's in her comfort zone.</p> Hi Sue,
Thanks so much for yo…tag:connectionsgroups.ning.com,2012-06-11:2831845:Comment:1247962012-06-11T14:42:08.501ZShun Bowlinghttps://connectionsgroups.ning.com/profile/Shunbowling
<p>Hi Sue,</p>
<p><br></br>Thanks so much for your comment. Although, I have to respectfully disagree with some of your opinions, such as a woman pushing a "rage filled" man's button's as that is blame shifting, I can still appreciate them. However, I do certainly agree with many of your other points such as, there are some women who do seem to "love drama". On any accord, I do appreciate you reading my blog and expressing your opinion. At the end of the day, we are talking about the issue, which…</p>
<p>Hi Sue,</p>
<p><br/>Thanks so much for your comment. Although, I have to respectfully disagree with some of your opinions, such as a woman pushing a "rage filled" man's button's as that is blame shifting, I can still appreciate them. However, I do certainly agree with many of your other points such as, there are some women who do seem to "love drama". On any accord, I do appreciate you reading my blog and expressing your opinion. At the end of the day, we are talking about the issue, which is why I do what I do. Thanks again!</p> Hey Shaun... I TOTALLY agree…tag:connectionsgroups.ning.com,2012-06-11:2831845:Comment:1251192012-06-11T14:32:10.415ZSue Copeninghttps://connectionsgroups.ning.com/profile/SueCopening
<p>Hey Shaun... I TOTALLY agree with you in this context, however in a completely different context I also agree that some victims of domestic violence (almost always the women), DO bring it on themselves. Let me explain what I mean though...</p>
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<p>There are some women (I had a close friend who did exactly this), who "feed" off the "drama" of the violence - contrition cycle and love the attention they get from it. They view what you and I would consider a "normal" and "healthy"…</p>
<p>Hey Shaun... I TOTALLY agree with you in this context, however in a completely different context I also agree that some victims of domestic violence (almost always the women), DO bring it on themselves. Let me explain what I mean though...</p>
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<p>There are some women (I had a close friend who did exactly this), who "feed" off the "drama" of the violence - contrition cycle and love the attention they get from it. They view what you and I would consider a "normal" and "healthy" relationship as "boring" - because it doesn't contain the emotional high's and lows" that they crave. </p>
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<p>These women - knowing full well they have a partner with rage issues - will purposely push his buttons until he loses control and becomes physically abusive. This is actually easy to do because women are naturally more verbal than men, while some men have a problem "using their words" as they say. Often it IS those men that are less verbal who have "rage issues" precisely because they have never been taught communication, conflict resolution, skills. So, when their woman attacks them verbally (also a form of abuse, by the way), they get frustrated and lose control (I'm not talking about the kind of rage where they are frustrated at one thing, like work, and then come home looking for an excuse to take it out on their spouse). </p>
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<p>In these cases, after the man loses his control and physically strikes out - then he is contrite, and goes into "apology" mode... showering her with love, affection, sometimes even gifts, to make up for hitting her (keep in mind I'm ONLY talking about the abusers that do it because of rage control issues - NOT the psychopaths that do it simply because they enjoy it or use it as a control mechanism - they are a whole other, ugly, can of worms). </p>
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<p>These type of women are locked into a cycle that they ARE contributing to themselves. Perhaps they are unable to get their man's attention any other way, perhaps they enjoy the manipulation, or perhaps they think like my friend did... she actually said this and it blew my mind - "If he didn't love me so much, he wouldn't get so mad." ... Seriously?</p>
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<p>Anyway... in this particular instance - the women involved ARE contributing to the situation. I don't like the word "blame" because it implies one party is innocent and the other is completely at fault. In these instances BOTH parties are at fault and both need to recognize where they are "broken" so they can fix it. But if you know a spouse has rage control issues - and if they refuse to get help, then it's probably a wise idea to not deliberately provoke them. <br/><br/><br/></p>
<p>At the same time... those people with rage issues (men AND women)... many of them use it as a "cop-out" because you'll observe that they somehow manage to control themselves when they are in public, it's only when they are behind closed doors with their family that they seem to be unable to prevent themselves from losing it. But this can play to a spouses advantage.... reserve serious discussions for public (alcohol free) venues... like a public park or restaurant where they have a stronger motivation to control their actions. </p>
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<p>Regardless of the causes though... violence is always wrong... and while some people are broken in ways that can be fixed... others are not. For those women though that seem to get into one abusive relationship after another - they do need to ask themselves... "what is the common denominator here?" There is a strong possibility that they themselves need some "fixing" to 1) know themselves better so that they can appreciate a "healthy" relationship and 2) become better at recognizing the "red flags" early on so that they avoid repeating this pattern. </p>
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<p>Again though... this is a narrowly defined type of dynamic. Some abusers are impossible to spot until it is too late. I suspect these are the most dangerous ones too... as they are likely to be manipulative sociopaths who know how to "wear the mask." But some abusers are simply people who have a difficult time controlling anger. They feel legitimate remorse and shame that they cannot. These people CAN learn control mechanism's and change their patterns if they are motivated to do so - but it's a two way street in a relationship and I would imagine that it requires both parties to be willing to work on it together.</p>