The Reason She Stays

[Shun Bowling]

When domestic violence is discussed  in any setting there is always one underlying question. Why does she stay?  Many have the general attitude of "if a man hit EVER put his hands on me, I'd be gone". I have also heard things like, "I'd have him locked up, and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law." Another opinion people are so quickly to offer is "well if she would have pressed charges that would have ended it." All I can say to those comments are wishful thinking. Wishful thinking in assuming that it is that just that easy. I try very hard not to be too critical  of people who posses that frame of mind on the topic. Truth be told I too once had that narrow minded thinking on the topic. It wasn't that I was trying to be in compassionate, but rather my lack of knowledge on the subject.

There are many reasons people give as to why a woman stays in an abusive relationship. However at the core of it all, there really is only ONE reason a person stays. FEAR. Fear is the key component  that plays  into every reason a person gives for staying. I know you are all wondering what could a person fear more than being battered.

I'll be happy to tell you. The biggest thing they fear more than being battered is DEATH! To an onlooker it is easy to say call the police. They will come pick up the abuser and put him in jail. The abuser will be tried, convicted, and harshly sentenced. End of story, problem solved. WRONG!!!  If only the system were that efficient.

Let me now share with you how it works in reality. When an act of violence is committed and the police are called to the scene they review the details. Upon completion 8 out of 10 times the abuser is apprehended on site and taken into custody. The abuser will be taken to lockup where he/she will go before a magistrate. Again 8 out of 10 are granted a bond. 50% are released on R & R (released on their own recognizances). The abuser is then free. Free to intimidate the victim. Typically an EPO (emergency protective order) is entered. The order typically prohibits the abuser from coming around or having contact with the victim for 72 hours. As they await trial the abuser will employ intimidation tactics (despite the EPO) such as apologize, profess change, threaten to do do further harm, destroy property and stalk the victim to pressure the victim into either dropping the charges or not showing up to court. Most of the intimidation is performed so meticulously  so it will be virtually impossible for the victim to prove without doubt it is the abuser who committed the acts. Thus tying the hands of the legal system, and fueling the abusers control and mind manipulation, which in turn creates feelings of hopelessness in the victim

To add insult to injury when the case does finally make it to trial  the defendant is sentenced to a mere slap on the wrist. The abuser is now free to abuse again which he typically does. Now I know the next statement is well why does she take him back? The vicitm is now more terrified than ever.  The victim is scared of being hunted down and brought back by the abuser, afraid  of not being able to protect their children, and terrified of being brutally murdered.

Many people's ignorance in understanding the depth of it all causes them to say things such as " she's bringing on herself". They have no idea what that statements manifests into for a battered individual. The statement actually turns into another  fear fueled reason for why she stays.

The reason is fear of social stigma. The fear of judgment from others who do not understand. The abused fears the exposure of their "secret" and the publicity and backlash to come. Fear then trickles into a host of reasons why a person stays. Those fears include fear of going hungry, becoming homeless, being alone, diminished self confidence, and etc.

The true problem lies within the question itself. "Why does she stay?" People are inadvertently blaming the victim. The true question we should be asking is why does he abuse the victim? Or why can't the abuser control himself? Why can't the abuser take responsibility for his own actions? Those who routinely pose the questions "why does she stay?" followed with "she must like it" shift the blame to the  victim. It plays right into the perpetrators calculated plan. Crucify the victim, while the perpetrator  falls under the radar. She stays out of fear.  So please stop asking why does she stay and start understanding the dynamics of domestic violence, so we all can stop planning funerals and star rebuilding lives.